? Well, here's a new one. Top things NOT to say to a pregnant woman from pregnantchicken.com. So so funny! I had to edit some parts...
1. "You look so big/small." Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't want to be unique in
any way? Well pregnancy is the same and nobody wants to be told they
look huge or teeny because it just scares them. Anything different from
other pregnant women = weird = giant freak baby or creepy peanut baby.
2. "Haven't you had that baby yet?" If that woman's
pregnancy seems long to you I can almost guarantee that it feels like
about 30 years to her. Pregnant woman who are asked this question should
be legally exempt from murder convictions.
3. "You look tired, you must be having a girl because they steal your beauty."
Someone actually said this to my friend. So really what you're saying
is "you look like crap". Thanks.
4. "Sleep now because you won't get any when the baby gets here."
What the hell does this mean anyway? It's not like you can bank sleep.
It's like saying "Don't eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet
is opening up next March". Plus, who says that the woman you're saying
this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn,
hemorrhoids and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to
injury.
5."I hate that name." Really? Oh okay, then they
won't name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your
oatmeal raisin cookie in grade two so don't lift up the tarp covering
your mental baggage. On a similar note, if they want to name their kid
Adolph or Kleenex just nod and say "nice" – that will be the least of
that kid's problems anyway.
6. "Were you hoping for a girl/boy instead?" It's
not really anyone's business and if she ain't sharin', don't ask. If
you're asked this you should answer that you were actually hoping for a
puppy that could fart rainbows then just walk away.
7. "Was this an accident?" A woman's reply to this
should always be "suck my ****." It's a nice, clean, confusing retort
for someone that is rude enough to ask this kind of question.
8. "Did you use fertility drugs?" I don't want to
get all misty here but all babies are miracles and by asking a question
like that you're somehow implying that babies that were conceived with
'help' are different from babies that weren't. Not cool so don't ask.
9. "Should you be eating that?" This whole website
is about people embellishing myths and half truths to scare the crap out
of pregnant ladies. So unless she's about to accidentally snack on dog
poo, don't say anything and let the poor girl eat.
Finally, there are three things you always say to pregnant women:
1. "You look fantastic" Even if she is a sweaty,
wheezing Jabba the Hut with swollen ankles and a maternity top that no
longer covers her fish pail, tell her she looks fantastic. She is making
a person and that's pretty fantastic.
2. "That's wonderful" If she tells you she's going
to give birth squatting in a Mr. Turtle pool surrounded by chanting
Tibetan squirrels, you say "that sounds wonderful". Every pregnant woman
makes about 200 declarations of what she is and isn't going to do and
about 4 stick. Don't ruin her moments.
3. "It's going to be alright" When she starts crying
because the pizza shows up wrong or she panics because she used regular
detergent to wash the baby's onsies so she'll be a horrible mother or
simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because
"you're too much of a moron to understand what she's going through".
This is when it's a good idea to pull out "it's going to be alright". A
side car of "you look fantastic" couldn't hurt either.
Good luck.
